Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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