my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She's the barista slut.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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