i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i think im in europe. pls send help
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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