i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
