I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize