Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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