I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
