Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
