So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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