I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
