Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize