if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
