apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
