im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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