what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
