I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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