the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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