You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
only you would photoshop your dick
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
