I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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