Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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