I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
