I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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