My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
