Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize