I'm eating all of the evidence.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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