They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
