How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
