There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
