my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
