I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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