just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
