I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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