So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
