Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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