Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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