just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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