This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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