this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
