Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
