saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
