I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Randomize
