kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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