Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
