Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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