im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
