I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
