So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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