You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
