Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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