1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
