i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
