My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
