It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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