I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
