I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
