Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
