i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
